"Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!"

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth".

"Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."

"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."

"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."

"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."

"She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party."

"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."

"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing."